Benedict Allen: my greatest mistake

Explorer Benedict Allen has been haunted for decades about having to eat his faithful dog to save his life when lost in the Brazilian rainforestSince the age of 10 I'd wanted to be an explorer. My dad was a test pilot flying Vulcan bombers and I wished I could be an adventurer like him. So in 1982, I saved up and planned my first trip across the north-eastern Brazilian rainforest.After five months of trekking, being passed from one indigenous tribe to another, not really knowing what I was doing, I came across some goldminers who attacked me in the night. I was only 22, naive and very scared.In the darkness I fled towards my canoe. With me was a dog I'd found in a village a few months before; I'd healed its paw, and it had become my companion. But in the chaos, the canoe capsized and I lost everything. I ended up walking on my own, lost in the rainforest with only the dog for company.As we walked we got steadily weaker and, after about three weeks, I was starving to death; I had malaria and I was delirious. But the dog had become incredibly important to me in terms of keeping my hopes up. We were both suffering, but we were in it together.I couldn't see myself, but I knew how bad the dog looked. I drew a little jokey cartoon in my diary of us both fantasising about eating one other; I knew it was becoming a very real proposition. I started thinking more about what I might have to do if I ever wanted to see my mum and dad again.I remember lying on my back one day and thinking I wouldn't get up again if I didn't eat something; the only thing left was to eat the dog. I managed to cook a few bits using a survival kit. It gave me a little strength to keep going but, in a way, I was even more terrified, as knew I'd played my last card.Some days later, miraculously, I saw a chink of daylight; I'd been in a dark tangle for as long as I could recall, but soon I was standing in a farmer's crop. He treated me with an anti-malarial drink and I was taken to hospital.When I got back to Britain I was too ashamed to tell my parents how badly things had gone. Then the local paper asked me about the trip. I let slip about the dog and before I knew it the nationals were on to it; my sorry tale became a two-page spread in the Daily Mail. The RSPCA came round with a sack of hate mail.I often wonder whether what happened was a mistake or not; obviously it kept me alive but it has also haunted me. In a way it has driven me in my career, fuelling my desire to understand why I had survived. But it has always been something I've wanted to rectify.Benedict Allen is speaking at deafblind charity Sense's annual lecture on 15 November (email lecture@sense.org.uk).Work & careersAdventure travelBrazilGraham Snowdonguardian.co.uk © 2011 Guardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds

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